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The earliest verifiable records of the late Marcus David Mebes indicate that he was born in Ish-M'toch, a small village in Outer Mongolia, one cold, wintery morning in the summer of 1768. Though no records were located in reference to his lineage, his bloodline can partially be traced back to his ancestors Phyllis Diller, a comedienne from the late 20th century, and Nostradamus, a lunatic from somewhere in the Baltic States.
Being part Tohono O'odham Navajo and part Smurf, Marcus was able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, as well as insert his prehensile tongue into his nose. During his education -- he attended Cambridge University during it's heyday in the 1940's -- he was able to learn several languages, including his favorite: German. With such earth-shattering revelations like "Der Kongo... der Belgische Kongo... und diesesmal handelt es sieh nicht um Affen. Diesesmal ist es wirklich ernst!"1, "Das ist doch kein Fahrrad... das ist der Frühstücks-Affe, Jo-Jo!"2, "Du blöde Rotznase! Zieh nich immer den Rotz hoch. Benutze ein Taschentuch!"3, and "Man mach den Hund wild, wenn man ihn ärgert"4, Marcus was able to turn the world of personal parapsychology upside down! His veritable proverbs were eventually published in a book entitled "What To Do When a Squirrel Chases Your Shadow and You Cannot See the Color Green" in late 1926. It sold 467 million copies worldwide, and allowed Marcus the freedom to purchase a small potato, two pistachios, and a jug of skim milk.
During his later years, Marcus lived in Mogadishu, Zimbabwe, and Singapore, where he eventually learned how to sing the Canadian National Anthem backwards while gargling Listerine and juggling firecrackers. His skills and precision would eventually allow him to practice neurosurgery at the Arkham Asylum, world-famous institute for the Criminally Insane. Having been a resident of the institute for five years -- from 1812 to 1973 -- gave Marcus an insight and personal touch that was not afforded the other practitioners in the institute.
While stationed in Zurich in his tour of duty with the Marines, Marcus married R'eeráh Zhitch-K'toh, a Klingon Warrior Princess (no relation to Xena). Together, they raised fourteen and a half children, two dogs, a monkey, and a lounge-lizard. During the Revolutionary War, while Marcus served as liaison to the Democratic Representative from Sri Lanka, he suffered an unfortunate accident, and lost his left ear. It was bitten off by Mike Tyson, and Evander Holifield swore vengeance upon it. Marcus's 26th son, Giovanni Goologong Horatio Mebes, carries that obligation with him to this very day, and refuses to watch any boxing matches that Mike Tyson is involved in, unless accompanied by Don King.
Not much is recorded of his career as a circus clown or as a fire-hydrant, but his work in the field of stone-carving is well-known. Marcus will be forever remembered as the freak who carved a replica of the Belgian Congo from a slab of marble. This work of art is located in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where it makes a handy coat-rack. His fourth wife, the Duchess Genevieve du Gargamela Hogatha, donated it to the museum in 1492, when Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Marcus's last recorded words were "It's Morphin' Time!" -- a tribute to his favorite vocation; being a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger, a hobby that dominated his spare time. It is believed that his death was caused by choking on a block of Kosher Halvah Chocolate, though no autopsy was performed, due to the fact that his body was cremated in 1856 and his remains were scattered on top of the Matterhorn.
Would you care for fries with that?